Montana Outdoors

April 8, 2007

“He was not wearing a helmet at the time”

Filed under: Humor, Writing — montucky @ 4:19 pm

It’s now part of the order of things to wear a helmet for whatever you do after you’ve gotten out of bed in the morning (although I wouldn’t be surprised if there isn’t a sleeping helmet somewhere on a designer’s drawing board), and I have to agree that at certain times helmets are good things to have. They are very good things for the balance sheets of the people who manufacture and sell them.

I’ve worn more than a few helmets myself and still wear one for some activities.

For over four years the Marine Corps encouraged me to wear one, explaining that it would keep bullets and other pieces of flying metal from bouncing off my head, and while I didn’t enjoy it, I went along with the program after they also explained that they would bounce a few other things off my head if I didn’t.

I watched a hard hat save a man’s life one time while fighting a forest fire back in the mountains of Idaho when he was struck on the head by the top 10 feet of a burned-through tree. It knocked him flat and put a 2-inch dent in the hat, but other than being slightly crazier than usual, he was OK because of the protection.

When I played football I was happy to wear a helmet, especially when a 300 pound guy was standing on my head, although it didn’t help quite as much when he was standing on my face.

Now there are batting helmets, hockey helmets, bull riding helmets (personally I’d rather have a padded helmet on the bull rather than a hard helmet on me), bicycle helmets, tricycle helmets, skateboard helmets, ski helmets, and probably out there somewhere is a helmet to wear while walking down the street just in case a wheel were to fall from a 747 and, with pin-point accuracy, zero in on your cranium and drive you into the ground like a tent stake. “Oh, look, Martha!” “A tent stake with a helmet on!”

However, there has to be an end to all this somewhere. I will be slightly dismayed when badminton helmets make their appearance as they’re sure to do, probably in the not too distant future. (Man, those little birdies can really smart!) I definitely won’t wear an internet helmet once they are introduced, although with the velocity and the density of some of the things that come out of cyberspace…well, maybe I need one of them too.

I guess I’ll have to draw the line at fishing helmets. I can just hear the television reporter now: “Montucky was fatally injured today when a fully loaded Northern Pacific freight train jumped the tracks and landed right smack on top of him while he was fishing. “He was not wearing a helmet at the time.

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